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KATIE
@katie__jameson

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Sometimes I hear his voice, like it would have been if he was alive. Just yesterday, I sat outside on the deck while Millie napped, and I heard ‘mama’ float across the breeze. Quiet and questioning, like it would have been if he was asking where his towel was for the beach. It was different than if someone had said it at the cabin next to us or down the road. It was far away, but it was right next to me. I don’t know if someone else said it, but I like to think in another lifetime - he did - and the echo made its way to me. It’s impossible not to picture him here. I picture him everywhere. The parallel life that runs alongside the one we are in has his hand outstretched and almost touching me as we all walk down the sand towards the water. Often, Millie will look just past me, over my shoulder and past my ear, and she smiles big and wide. I know instantly that he’s there. I will never need to ask if that’s possible, her face tells me every time. ‘Look mom, it’s him.’ I’ve had one dream of Lochlan since he died. One dream, in over 9 years. It’s not enough. But I’m realizing this time, with Millie, that he might be closer than I think. I’m realizing, that all my babies have possibly met him, they have all gazed past me and smiled wide - at seemingly nothing. They have all smiled at him. It helps me, to imagine across the divide and envision him with us. It helps me to know that while I’m walking down the beach with my kids here, there’s a mystical divide where he’s walking with us, just out of reach. Just out of reach. #LittleLochlan #WeMissYou #BiggestBrother #infantloss #bereavedmother #bereavedparents #griefjourney #griefandloss #lifeafterloss #livingafterloss #motherhood #childhood #mamagrief #griefhealing