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Ashton Zager | Fiber Artist
@ashtonzagerfiberart

28,369 followers

Hi Hank ☀️ It was your birthday yesterday. Back in the spring, I was so afraid that Benji was about to reach an age you never got to live. I wasn’t afraid for some sort of repeat of the past. I was afraid for Benji to keep growing. I was afraid for what that might do to how you feel. As your brothers get bigger, will that begin to make you feel small? If our family graduates past these “small baby” years, will you begin to feel like you are a thing of the past? I know we’re only 5 months past that date, but today those fears feel certainly false. Because as the years get bigger, so the loss of you does too. Today you should be 5. I’m struck by the fact that you would have learned to read this year. You’d be on your second season of tball if you hadn’t hated the first. But you wouldn’t have because you and Louie would have been on the same team and that would have been so fucking cool, Hank. I lost that. I lost at least 20 haircuts. You never even got 1. I lost your little 5 year old voice. The ways it would have changed from a 2 year kid voice into a 3 year old voice into something much more mature now. I think if I were someone else observing me, I’d imagine the losses eventually become normal. And I suppose they sort of have but that let’s not confuse “normal” with “unphased”. These losses hit me and they hurt. They hurt so bad, I can’t see straight sometimes. I can’t breathe. Sometimes, I can’t eat and sometimes I can’t stop eating. Yesterday, it was your birthday. We always celebrate you with an activity that “makes us feel alive.” This year, we chose zip-lining. It’s our way of remembering that you didn’t only die. You got to live too. As the years continue, so the loss of you does too. Always. Until we’re together again. I love you, Mom #bestofweaving #circularweaving #captureyourgrief #grief #griefsucks #writingyourgrief #itsokaythatyourenotokay #normalizegrief #childloss #weaving #weaversofinstagram #wovendecor #art #artist #asheville #ashevilleartist #ashevillecraft #ashevilleart #ashevillelocal #makersgonnamake #makersmovement #weavingasheville #doitfortheprocess #pursueprettythings #createeveryday #mamagrief #griefisajourney