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Justin J Lehmiller
@justinjlehmiller

25,167 followers

Many people struggle with sexual initiation. I’ve heard from a lot of readers who want to initiate more often—and a similar number who want their partner to initiate more. While initiation issues can potentially arise in any relationship, they do seem to be more common in heterosexual relationships. In the survey of 4,175 Americans I conducted for my book Tell Me What You Want, I asked people to report how often they initiate sex in real life and, separately, how often they fantasize about initiating sex. What I found is that, on average, heterosexual women report initiating sex in real life less often than heterosexual men. However, in their fantasies, straight women become the initiators more often, whereas straight men become the initiators less often. When you look at gay, lesbian, and bisexual folks, though, the story is quite different. Sexual minority women say they initiate sex more often than heterosexual women, whereas sexual minority men initiate sex less often than heterosexual men. And, further, initiation patterns in fantasy more closely mirror initiation patterns in reality for sexual minorities. To me, this suggests that pressure to conform to traditional gender roles is exerting an impact on how heterosexual men and women approach sexual initiation—and that their fantasies are a way of breaking free of these constraints. Gender roles aren’t the only thing that can contribute to initiation difficulties and disagreements, of course. Initiation is also a function of personality, self-confidence, and relationship factors. But if it’s something you struggle with, check out my Sex and Psychology blog and podcast (links in bio) for tips on making sexual initiation easier! #sexed #sexeducation #sexandpsychology #letstalkaboutsex #healthyrelationships #relationshiptips #sextipsforcouples