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Belinda Bowman
@bb_cattleco

15,816 followers

You expect to look into the eyes of a complete stranger and feel love? A love as strong as the bond I had with my then 18 month old, a human I’d already nurtured for a year and a half, I’d seen grow, first smile, first laugh, first fall, and first steps. The umbrella of guilt was there long before his arrival. I set myself up to fail with unrealistic expectations. Throw in some wild hormonal imbalances and the walls started to crumble. Don’t get me wrong the mama bear instinct is there and it’s strong, it controls my actions and this little man has had a very comfortable beginning to life. But I just kept staring at him and waiting. Waiting for that immense overwhelming feeling of I would sacrifice my life to make yours better kind of love that washes over you. But it wasn’t there. Now through many, many hours of therapy in my lifetime I’m a strong believer that talking helps. But it took almost a month to get those words out of my mouth ‘I don’t know if I love my baby’. I’m sure that’s about as messed up to read as it was for me to say. And do you know what I got back from my lovely therapist - not judgement, not some guided path of self realization but a statement that hit me as hard as a kick from Clyde. You have a stranger in your house, you don’t know him any better than he knows you. But you’re getting to know each other… (I’m paraphrasing here…). I slowly stopped feeling like a failure of a mother after that. I got the green light to work, and get a small piece of my identity back. And now at lunch I race to the house. I miss him. I’m my own biggest obstacle when I should be my own biggest cheerleader. So if your feeling like a bad mom today say the shitty things you’re thinking. I’m here for it. Explore it, take the power away, and give yourself some grace. And through the last couple months, to all the parents that have shared similar experiences through post partum or just parenthood. Thank you for normalizing it by talking to me. I’m still a little fucked up…but in the end aren’t we all. #mybabyboy #postpartum #findingmyself #farmer #farmmom #lovewins