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emmacat
@emmacat

363,967 followers

*Possible ED trigger warning* Hi guys it’s me again coming in to blast your feed with some sweet & sour but back to sweet body feels. It was my dear Jenna’s birthday dinner last night. We spent the night before having too much fun at karaoke to take any pictures so we decided to remedy that after dinner. A beautiful dinner. Delicious. The people and the food. Of no planning to match on our own Jenna and I were both wearing dresses that had knots. We posed. I saw the picture and had a body dysmorphic flare up. The bump line and the shadowing made me hate my stomach. Made me hate that I didn’t turn the other way. Made me hate that I hadn’t leaned on my back foot to elongate my midsection to make myself look thinner…the way we were taught to do for red carpet photos. Yes, even though I’ve been in recovery for my disorder for over 2 years these thoughts still appear. Sometime so aggressively that I find myself mentally backsliding into the familiar territory of how I will make up for it. But not last night. I let the feeling in, I decided that the fun I was having would not be ruined by my brain and I let it go. This is progress. And it was progress that had been planted at the beginning of the night when our server came to take our order and a conversation started about “working it off” before we had even taken our first bites. I have been actively refusing this mentality ever since I began my recovery journey. Diet culture jargon and guidelines in general are something I have completely turned away from for the sake of my mental and physical health. So luckily, even before the picture was captured, I was already in the headspace of defiance for how we are made to prioritize being less than instead of just allowing ourselves to exist. I look at the picture now and know that my stomach looks like that because it’s really strong. And really healthy. And at my literal core there is power, even if the lighting sucks. I’m going to hold onto this power. I’m going to eat the food. And I’m going to enjoy my life instead of curling up in the delusions that we’ve been brainwashed to think are normal. That’s all. Ps go to @donangienyc it’s nuts. #eatingdisorderrecovery