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🦄Food Porn Unicorn🦄
@davesherotski

7,250 followers

This might be a crazy, conspiracy theory from your #foodpornunicorn but i dont care. Now, while I cant pinpoint exactly when I think this happened, at some point I swear we split off our original timeline & entered an alternate universe. Though, if i had to guess, id be willing to bet it was either when they assassinated Harambe or when Steve Irwin was shanked by stingray. Since then, this world has turned into an almost comically, fictitious version of itself. The movie Idiocracy has almost become a documentary. We had a fucken, racist orangutan, who was also a game show host, become president. The Simpsons have predicted an uncanny number of future events & it seems we get new Mendela Effect every day, challenging how we thought we saw the world. Something just isn't right & it's becoming increasingly obvious. Then there are the personal things that make no sense to me & even further solidify my theory. For instance, people wear crocs, which are basically the foot version of sweatpants & they do this completely on purpose, like shoe stores dont exist, where they can buy literally anything else. People tell me Crumbl Cookies are great, which is insane, like have you had another cookie in your sad, miserable life, ever? Hell, a basic Oreo is better than anything at Crumbl & I will die on this hill. Then there are Negronis, I swear these are a prank that got outta hand. Theyre pretty & garnished with an orange so they lure you in, only to discover the only part of the orange they actually taste like is the goddam white, bitter AF, disgusting part. You know, that part that if you bit off too much of, you'd immediately scrape it off your tounge with same prejudice as if a homeless person spit in your mouth. I feel like im in the goddam Truman Show sometimes & you're all fucking with me. I've been well documented for my extreme hatred of butter boards, anyone who's ever made or ordered one & how they're a complete bastardization of charcuterie boards. But, as long as we're here in this bonkers ass, alternative reality, I figured I'd make the best of it & with today being #nationalicecreamday, what better than to make an @atomiccreamery Ice Cream Board to celebrate